Parenting Lessons on the Go

There are some days that you look back on with pride and contentment... and then there are those that you really don't. Particularly when you are a parent. There were definitely times today that felt like Battle Royale with Kai in one corner and Mommy and Daddy in the other. I'm not sure if it was let-down/exhaustion from the weekend, but it was a tough day.

I've really discovered in the last four years that when things start to take a turn for the worse, we go tumbling down hill at a breakneck speed. Pretty soon it seems everyone is yelling or crying and it's really easy to let the emotions in the room take over. It's a tricky trap to fall into because someone has to back off at some point and try something else. Unfortunately for this strong-willed Mommy of a strong-willed little boy, I have had to make a conscious effort to let go of my will to be "right" all the time. I've learned with Kai there's a point that punishment (although deserved) actually makes the problems worse. It takes a lot of self-control on us as parents to take a deep breath and stop the chaos.

I've found that this trip has presented many challenges in this arena, primarily because of the lack of privacy our family faces. Don't get me wrong. Our accommodations and work space are more than adequate and we live fairly comfortably here. But when you have an all-out tantruming three-and-a half-year-old, there's not a lot you can do to "hide" it. It's incredibly embarrassing knowing that anyone at the hotel knows that it's my family that has apparently lost control of itself (honestly, how many other rooms have screaming nearly-four-year-olds, much less, English speaking ones!?) I hate that there are days that this is the reputation we are bringing on behalf of Americans and in some cases, Christians. At that point, what do we do?

I guess it is just a piece of the bigger picture as far as our life goes here. I'm so keenly aware of how we are presenting ourselves. I try to control as much of it as I can... My sleep has been affected quite a bit because I know since I can hear snoring on the other side of the wall, surely they can hear Niko when he wakes and cries. Up I get as quickly as I can and nurse, nurse, nurse. Kai is constantly testing his boundaries everywhere we go, running ahead at the grocery store, breaking rules to get a reaction, or just plain ignoring directions to be quiet while Daddy and Mommy try to concentrate while speaking with a Japanese guest. While I know these are the same issues we deal with at home, I feel like we are scrutinized more closely (perceived or real, I'm not entirely sure). At home, if Kai needs to spend 30 minutes in his room screaming, I know it isn't bothering anyone else outside our family. We just don't have that option here. It's been hard.

Combining that with Kai's hesitancy to interact with the adults that are so intrigued by him (to the extent that he physically hides behind us at times - very uncharacteristic for him), I think our biggest challenge hasn't been so much cultural or lingual, it's been familial. I foresaw this as a challenge, so it didn't exactly blindside me, but I hoped that by this point in the trip (two weeks in) we'd be primarily past some of these challenges. But evidently not yet.

That being said, Kai is starting to understand the nature of our work here. He's able to tell us what the quilts are for and is starting to wrap his head around the notion of these people losing so much "in the big wave." He went along and helped Dan knock on doors and distribute about 50 fliers for the center today, despite the cold, windy weather. He has expressed an interest in telling people that come to the center, "Jesus loves you!" and perhaps will sing his songs from school... we'll see if we can actually get him to do it when the pressure is on! Getting Kai directly involved with helping (like every other aspect of his life) has lent itself to more success, but as a parent it so often is easier to just do it myself. A flaw in me that needs to change, I know. Many prayers for both ends of this parent-child team need to be lifted up... none of us can make these improvements with out help!

So although there were several meltdown/fights over the course of today, I can hang on to my proudest moment; Instead of letting the anger take the reigns, I handed Niko off to Dan, took off my shoes and joined Kai in his tent and held him on my lap to look at books. I know in my heart of hearts that Kai needs some serious attention.. it's just a sacrifice on our part to give it to him at times. This small abdication turned everyone around for the rest of the evening and we ended with happy children and happy parents, all winners at the end of the day!